- i have interesting, eclectic taste in clothing and furnishings. i know how to make a room or an outfit look interesting.
- i can cook pretty well. i am ok at baking if it's simple.
- i am creative in many ways.
- i have beautiful eyes, and a great smile.
- i have a nice ass, good legs and an hourglass shape. i have nice hair, take care of my nails, and look good most days.
- i have fairly healthy eating habits.
- i drink lots of water.
- i am very easygoing.
- i have a lot of empathy.
- i am hardworking and responsible.
- i have my own place, no official debt, and my own car.
- i have a comfortable life, and don't struggle too much.
- i am intelligent, learn quickly, and am funny.
- i have survived things that others have not had to.
- i am independent.
- i take care of myself, and don't really need anyone else to do it for me.
- i am loveable.
- my cat adores me.
- i have a lot of friends that truly care for me.
- i am loved.
- i am rarely ever bored.
- i am almost done with my associate's degree, and have a plan for what to do after that.
- i have a wonderful group of friends that mean a lot to me.
- that i can actually ADD THINGS TO A LIST!
- and that i could add more...
Monday, April 14, 2014
the list of things i am proud of myself for.
my first real day of singledom, age 26.
what a day it's been. i've swung back and forth from being incredibly emotional, to relatively okay. tears form at the drop of a hat. i'm at once reveling in and terrified of being alone. it has truly been the first time in about a decade that i've been alone and had no real ties to anyone.
p and i spoke a few times. they were difficult for me. most difficult was the morning, as i truly did enjoy our mornings together. i took melatonin last night but it wasn't enough to truly knock me out. i fell asleep around 1230, and woke up from fitful dreams at around 545, when i was thirsty. i couldn't find the water filter and thought p took it, so i texted him. he wrote back quickly and we spoke a few times. then we were quiet until he asked me if i wanted the hawaii print that i got for him. i declined, and then we were quiet til i texted him that i miss him.
we discussed whether it was the right choice. i am still not sure. i miss his presence in my life deeply, although it hasn't been that long. i miss the certainty of us - the solidarity that we had formed together. we made a pretty good team, all things considered.
i am also enjoying some of the solace that this has brought to me. i have spent a lot of time thinking about what happened and why, and about each of us. i think about the numerous things i did wrong, and how they made him feel. i think about the things he did to me.
and i also think about b, a lot. i think this is my opportunity to finally heal from that situation as well. we have been fairly close these last couple weeks. i have really missed that, frankly. there is another bond there that has never truly broken, although i know that there is no way to get back to what we had before. i am thankful that he's in my life still, though.
all of my relationships are so wrought with anguish. i think it's because i have been trying to fill this hole inside me with outside forces. i think it's obvious from everything that that is impossible. i started this process of healing myself when i started going to therapy when i was with b - being on medication helped me quite a lot as well. p has helped me a great deal as well - he made me quit smoking, encouraged me to take care of myself, start drinking significantly less, helped me establish some routine.
for once, the end of a relationship does not make me want to spiral out of control. it makes me want to grow up. i remember how i felt towards the end of my relationship with b - all i wanted was to numb myself and run from the pain. this time i don't really want that. i want to feel the wounds, and i want to take care of myself while i heal. i want better for myself. and if i have trouble with that, i want to have the strength to forgive myself and keep going on the right path. i am very proud of myself for this. i think i am a different person now than i was a year ago, and for the better.
i also want to make a list of things that i am proud of myself for, and i want to put this out there publicly. i want to start affirming myself and showing myself that i do deserve to be loved, and that i am beautiful and intelligent and witty. i need to stop my cycles of self-hatred. they get me nowhere.
p and i spoke a few times. they were difficult for me. most difficult was the morning, as i truly did enjoy our mornings together. i took melatonin last night but it wasn't enough to truly knock me out. i fell asleep around 1230, and woke up from fitful dreams at around 545, when i was thirsty. i couldn't find the water filter and thought p took it, so i texted him. he wrote back quickly and we spoke a few times. then we were quiet until he asked me if i wanted the hawaii print that i got for him. i declined, and then we were quiet til i texted him that i miss him.
we discussed whether it was the right choice. i am still not sure. i miss his presence in my life deeply, although it hasn't been that long. i miss the certainty of us - the solidarity that we had formed together. we made a pretty good team, all things considered.
i am also enjoying some of the solace that this has brought to me. i have spent a lot of time thinking about what happened and why, and about each of us. i think about the numerous things i did wrong, and how they made him feel. i think about the things he did to me.
and i also think about b, a lot. i think this is my opportunity to finally heal from that situation as well. we have been fairly close these last couple weeks. i have really missed that, frankly. there is another bond there that has never truly broken, although i know that there is no way to get back to what we had before. i am thankful that he's in my life still, though.
all of my relationships are so wrought with anguish. i think it's because i have been trying to fill this hole inside me with outside forces. i think it's obvious from everything that that is impossible. i started this process of healing myself when i started going to therapy when i was with b - being on medication helped me quite a lot as well. p has helped me a great deal as well - he made me quit smoking, encouraged me to take care of myself, start drinking significantly less, helped me establish some routine.
for once, the end of a relationship does not make me want to spiral out of control. it makes me want to grow up. i remember how i felt towards the end of my relationship with b - all i wanted was to numb myself and run from the pain. this time i don't really want that. i want to feel the wounds, and i want to take care of myself while i heal. i want better for myself. and if i have trouble with that, i want to have the strength to forgive myself and keep going on the right path. i am very proud of myself for this. i think i am a different person now than i was a year ago, and for the better.
i also want to make a list of things that i am proud of myself for, and i want to put this out there publicly. i want to start affirming myself and showing myself that i do deserve to be loved, and that i am beautiful and intelligent and witty. i need to stop my cycles of self-hatred. they get me nowhere.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
an ending and a new beginning.
so marks the end of my third major relationship. i am currently 26 and a half years old, and i feel significantly different during the ending of this one as opposed to the last two. i have become a different person since i met p - probably for the better. he brought out a lot of good in me, and i will forever cherish that about this relationship. it has taught me a number of things about myself. perhaps just growing up in general has taught me some things about myself. i am no longer the person who is crippled by the thought of being alone - who cannot detach from situations regardless of how toxic they are.
in theory we should have been great together. we both represented a lot that the other person wanted, but in the end it was our intrinsic differences that caused our love to die. in some very clear ways, we were two sides of the same coin. we shared a lot of things in common and i am thankful that i could meet someone who complimented me in so many ways. in other ways, we helped each other. i believe i helped him be a bit more easy going, and i supported him through his sadness. i made him laugh and gave him good conversations. i think i helped him be more open-minded, and perhaps a bit more open in general.
he helped me by showing me that i am capable of reaching my goals - that i am a strong woman who will not be broken down by what happened to me. he helped me to see the beauty in the quiet life at home, and how important it is for me to share certain qualities with another person. he showed me the value of trying to be a good person who does the right thing when possible.
the negative side of things is that we were both too broken to be good partners to the other person. when we met, we were both very lost about our lives. i was ending a chapter in my life that i hadn't yet truly had a chance to heal from. i am still attempting to heal from the other crazy situations in my life. he was and is trying to heal from a loss of identity after school, and a lack of real direction in life. i truly believe that had we met in different parts of our lives - perhaps later on this year, or next year, we would have been able to be the partners the other truly deserved. i grieve the lack of that opportunity.
p has a wonderful soul and i will miss parts of him very deeply. i will miss the silly, lighthearted nature of our relationship. i will miss being able to rant about the eating habits of other people, and about how strange religion is. i will miss talking about the little furball together, and i will miss looking forward to seeing his face every night around 830pm. i will miss the fact that he loved to take care of me, and loved it when i got him a drink of milk every night.
so here's to the end of us, my ex love. there was so much potential for THE ONE (tm) here. it does make me sad that it just wasn't enough.
in theory we should have been great together. we both represented a lot that the other person wanted, but in the end it was our intrinsic differences that caused our love to die. in some very clear ways, we were two sides of the same coin. we shared a lot of things in common and i am thankful that i could meet someone who complimented me in so many ways. in other ways, we helped each other. i believe i helped him be a bit more easy going, and i supported him through his sadness. i made him laugh and gave him good conversations. i think i helped him be more open-minded, and perhaps a bit more open in general.
he helped me by showing me that i am capable of reaching my goals - that i am a strong woman who will not be broken down by what happened to me. he helped me to see the beauty in the quiet life at home, and how important it is for me to share certain qualities with another person. he showed me the value of trying to be a good person who does the right thing when possible.
the negative side of things is that we were both too broken to be good partners to the other person. when we met, we were both very lost about our lives. i was ending a chapter in my life that i hadn't yet truly had a chance to heal from. i am still attempting to heal from the other crazy situations in my life. he was and is trying to heal from a loss of identity after school, and a lack of real direction in life. i truly believe that had we met in different parts of our lives - perhaps later on this year, or next year, we would have been able to be the partners the other truly deserved. i grieve the lack of that opportunity.
p has a wonderful soul and i will miss parts of him very deeply. i will miss the silly, lighthearted nature of our relationship. i will miss being able to rant about the eating habits of other people, and about how strange religion is. i will miss talking about the little furball together, and i will miss looking forward to seeing his face every night around 830pm. i will miss the fact that he loved to take care of me, and loved it when i got him a drink of milk every night.
so here's to the end of us, my ex love. there was so much potential for THE ONE (tm) here. it does make me sad that it just wasn't enough.
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