what a day it's been. i've swung back and forth from being incredibly emotional, to relatively okay. tears form at the drop of a hat. i'm at once reveling in and terrified of being alone. it has truly been the first time in about a decade that i've been alone and had no real ties to anyone.
p and i spoke a few times. they were difficult for me. most difficult was the morning, as i truly did enjoy our mornings together. i took melatonin last night but it wasn't enough to truly knock me out. i fell asleep around 1230, and woke up from fitful dreams at around 545, when i was thirsty. i couldn't find the water filter and thought p took it, so i texted him. he wrote back quickly and we spoke a few times. then we were quiet until he asked me if i wanted the hawaii print that i got for him. i declined, and then we were quiet til i texted him that i miss him.
we discussed whether it was the right choice. i am still not sure. i miss his presence in my life deeply, although it hasn't been that long. i miss the certainty of us - the solidarity that we had formed together. we made a pretty good team, all things considered.
i am also enjoying some of the solace that this has brought to me. i have spent a lot of time thinking about what happened and why, and about each of us. i think about the numerous things i did wrong, and how they made him feel. i think about the things he did to me.
and i also think about b, a lot. i think this is my opportunity to finally heal from that situation as well. we have been fairly close these last couple weeks. i have really missed that, frankly. there is another bond there that has never truly broken, although i know that there is no way to get back to what we had before. i am thankful that he's in my life still, though.
all of my relationships are so wrought with anguish. i think it's because i have been trying to fill this hole inside me with outside forces. i think it's obvious from everything that that is impossible. i started this process of healing myself when i started going to therapy when i was with b - being on medication helped me quite a lot as well. p has helped me a great deal as well - he made me quit smoking, encouraged me to take care of myself, start drinking significantly less, helped me establish some routine.
for once, the end of a relationship does not make me want to spiral out of control. it makes me want to grow up. i remember how i felt towards the end of my relationship with b - all i wanted was to numb myself and run from the pain. this time i don't really want that. i want to feel the wounds, and i want to take care of myself while i heal. i want better for myself. and if i have trouble with that, i want to have the strength to forgive myself and keep going on the right path. i am very proud of myself for this. i think i am a different person now than i was a year ago, and for the better.
i also want to make a list of things that i am proud of myself for, and i want to put this out there publicly. i want to start affirming myself and showing myself that i do deserve to be loved, and that i am beautiful and intelligent and witty. i need to stop my cycles of self-hatred. they get me nowhere.
p and i spoke a few times. they were difficult for me. most difficult was the morning, as i truly did enjoy our mornings together. i took melatonin last night but it wasn't enough to truly knock me out. i fell asleep around 1230, and woke up from fitful dreams at around 545, when i was thirsty. i couldn't find the water filter and thought p took it, so i texted him. he wrote back quickly and we spoke a few times. then we were quiet until he asked me if i wanted the hawaii print that i got for him. i declined, and then we were quiet til i texted him that i miss him.
we discussed whether it was the right choice. i am still not sure. i miss his presence in my life deeply, although it hasn't been that long. i miss the certainty of us - the solidarity that we had formed together. we made a pretty good team, all things considered.
i am also enjoying some of the solace that this has brought to me. i have spent a lot of time thinking about what happened and why, and about each of us. i think about the numerous things i did wrong, and how they made him feel. i think about the things he did to me.
and i also think about b, a lot. i think this is my opportunity to finally heal from that situation as well. we have been fairly close these last couple weeks. i have really missed that, frankly. there is another bond there that has never truly broken, although i know that there is no way to get back to what we had before. i am thankful that he's in my life still, though.
all of my relationships are so wrought with anguish. i think it's because i have been trying to fill this hole inside me with outside forces. i think it's obvious from everything that that is impossible. i started this process of healing myself when i started going to therapy when i was with b - being on medication helped me quite a lot as well. p has helped me a great deal as well - he made me quit smoking, encouraged me to take care of myself, start drinking significantly less, helped me establish some routine.
for once, the end of a relationship does not make me want to spiral out of control. it makes me want to grow up. i remember how i felt towards the end of my relationship with b - all i wanted was to numb myself and run from the pain. this time i don't really want that. i want to feel the wounds, and i want to take care of myself while i heal. i want better for myself. and if i have trouble with that, i want to have the strength to forgive myself and keep going on the right path. i am very proud of myself for this. i think i am a different person now than i was a year ago, and for the better.
i also want to make a list of things that i am proud of myself for, and i want to put this out there publicly. i want to start affirming myself and showing myself that i do deserve to be loved, and that i am beautiful and intelligent and witty. i need to stop my cycles of self-hatred. they get me nowhere.
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